The Proust Questionnaire
Three-plus years ago, I answered one question from the famous Proust Questionnaire — “Where and when were you happiest?” — but upon re-sending all thirty-five inquiries to Moore for his use in a prison group exercise, I decided to dignify the other thirty-four with responses while elaborating on my original answer from March 2022. I’m not sure any other preamble is necessary. Here, now, is my amble…
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Living in the moment. Not ideas about the thing but the thing itself.
What is your greatest fear?
Snakes; being kidnapped, drugged, & covered in face & neck tattoos; the U.S. going to complete & utter shit before 2029 & whatever fallout that would hypothetically accompany it.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Cynicism, natch. Unnecessary anxiety would be the other option for consideration, I think.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Close-mindedness.
Which living person do you most admire?
Jane Goodall came to mind first. Stevie Wonder, too. But essentially, someone who has given herself/himself up completely to an empathetic cause worth celebrating while not trying to profit like a cunt. The world lacks heroes.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Collecting records.
What is your current state of mind?
Feeling alright. Thank you, tomato and mayo sandwich.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Faith in doctrine.
On what occasion do you lie?
To avoid learning a lesson I already know combined w/ my established self-loathing/regret & contempt for having my face rubbed in it.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I would like to lose more weight, gurl.
Which living person do you most despise?
Fat Retard, no doubt.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Being genuine, sense of humor, curiosity/intelligence, circle jerking & keeping a secret.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Being genuine, sense of humor, curiosity/intelligence. Additionally: good follicles, fit, & fetching.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“Again” & “anyway…” as an elliptical subject switch-a-ree-doo-dah.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
The Ambassador of Happiness! :)
When and where were you happiest?
Specific: Lake George w/ my mother in 1992, Stones concert w/ Moore in 2002, & my first trip to Maine w/ Sue in 2016 were my previous answers, but now I’d also add Masters week 2022 & the Los Angeles vacation w/ Sue in 2023.
General: In Moore’s basement watching college football, in my basement listening to music, on Sue’s bed watching television, going out to eat (just eating, really), sitting in silence reading a book.
Which talent would you most like to have?
To be able to play the piano.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Stop biting my nails. Then again, I love doing it (but hate how they look).
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The two books I’ve self-published.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
An owl or a palm tree. Or as the flamboyantly gay Dalai Lama.
Where would you most like to live?
Georgia from October 20th to mid-April, Maine for the rest.
What is your most treasured possession?
Hamlet, my stuffed pig.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Poverty (intellectual &/or monetary); lack of free speech/thought.
What is your favorite occupation?
Making people laugh. Writing essays as well.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Sarcasm, probably.
What do you most value in your friends?
Humor, honesty, & perspective.
Who are your favorite writers?
Wallace Stevens, Vladimir Nabokov, David Sedaris, Jonathan Rosenbaum, & John Feinstein.
Who is your hero of fiction?
Monsieur Hulot.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Hamilton (the Puerto Rican one). And the second guy to try cheese.
Who are your heroes in real life?
David Cross, David Sedaris, Keith Richards, & Sue.
What are your favorite names?
Sandy, Dick.
What is it that you most dislike?
The grift.
What is your greatest regret?
Not moving out on my own sooner.
How would you like to die?
In my sleep moments after a nocturnal emission. Cumming as I’m going.
What is your motto?
Always enjoy the little things.