To thank you for joining my email list, I would like to give you the audiobook version for free! As expected, your information will immediately be sold to a Nigerian conglomerate.

Any offer under seven figures to option this book will be met with indignant nonchalance.

UPDATE (04/11/21 aka Happy Masters Sunday!): The audiobook is in the can, which means my toilet is clogged with tape. Once Captain Can O’Corn is done polishing that bitch to sound like a Yes album, all interested parties will be emailed the aural pecks awaiting them. Stand by, bystanders.

UPDATE (10/9/22): Unfortunately, there was a white noise issue discovered in post-production that could not be remedied. Despite literary bootleggers’ best efforts, the LBS will remain an ocular experience. However, when the (under construction) sophomore slump arrives, all those promised one thing will instead receive another. COMING SOON: Portmanteau Jam (The Aural Bait-and-Switch)